Best Fake Company Policies

Bathroom Usage

1. Restroom sign-in / sign-out
2. Co-Ed Washrooms
3. Time limits in the bathroom based on average usage. After exactly 76 seconds, the stall door will swing open.
4. The new automatic lights in the bathroom go off after 3 minutes, so you'd better hurry!
5. Due to overuse of the restroom, all restroom breaks will be rationed at 20 per month. If you use up your quota before the end of the month, you just have to wait.
6. Handwashing monitoring in the bathroom, even if not a fast-food worker.
7. Card access to the restroom is required.
8. In order to reduce the theft of toilet paper, they are installing video cameras in the restrooms.
9. The new dime per toilet paper sheet rule
10. Time limits on bathroom use. After 10 minutes the door is broken down and your picture is taken and posted online
11. We're adding a new security ID cardreader to the bathroom stalls.
12. ID card will needed to access the washroom stalls, starting tomorrow. Please see HR starting next week Friday to have your ID upgraded.
13. Toilet paper rationing, according to our company policy only 6 squares per day.
14. Scheduled bathroom breaks
15. That everyone gets to use the executive washroom, and there is a personal fitness center for use on your two and a half hour lunch period.
16. Everyone has to take turns scrubbing the toilets.
17. If you go for a bathroom break you will be instantly terminated.
    

Computer Usage

1. "Make Your Own Printer Paper" - Employees will be provided with a block of wood to chew, a large hunk of metal for a press, and a sunlamp.
2. Random auditing of Internet cache files.
3. All passwords must be changed each week, may not contain dates, and may not be written down.
4. The CEO has a new electronic open-door policy. The employee who sends him the most e-mails this month will win $1,000! Keep those e-mails coming, folks!
5. Immunization against the Y2K bug
6. You must raise your hand before logging on to your computer.
7. We're checking everyone's Internet log for last week for the new consultants.
8. From now on, lunch is pot luck every day.
9. New security policy: all passwords must contain at least one expletive, in the language of your choice.
10. Microsoft products are now banned in the office
11. Random inspection of PCs for unlicensed software. You get fired if you are using a costly legitimate copy.
12. All office computers must start up in MS-DOS.
13. To save electricity you can only turn on the computers 2 hours a day
14. Company computer resources may not be used to disparage other companies or their products. Now when people call to complain about software, we can threaten to report them!
15. Computers are being phased out
16. Mandatory upgrade to Mac OS
17. Starting Monday, everyone's computer must not clash with the drapes we're putting in.
    

Special Days

1. Friday is Pajama Day.
2. Bring Your Dog to Work Day
3. Wednesday is Casual Hat Day.
4. Dress-up Fridays: morning coats, bonnets, white gloves, the works.
5. Casual Friday is now Nude Friday.
6. Tuxedo day every Friday
7. Monday is a work optional day.
8. Next week we start the daily urine testing.
9. The CEO is implementing an all employee happy hour every Friday at the local grill and pub. This weeks drinks are on him.
10. The Boss will buy lunch for the entire department this Friday.
11. Informal Friday, Cross-Dressing Thursday, Naked Wednesday.
12. Every Friday is "Come to Work Nude With Your Grandmother Day"
13. First Friday of the month is "Bring your dog to the office day"
14. Bi-weekly Nude Volleyball Games in the lunchroom
15. Bring Your Parents to Work! Free labor.
16. Sexy Lingerie Friday (only applicable to selected few)
17. Everyday is dress-down day!!
18. Toga party Mondays.
19. It is now mandatory the all employees wear cowboy outfits every Friday
20. As of next week Friday will be either Hula Skirt or Tequila Day — You get to pick!
21. Homeless casual days. Bathing and shopping carts are optional
22. Fridays are now Wear-Your-Underwear-On-The-Outside-Day, and the boss hates people who aren't team players.
23. Dress Up Friday
24. Fridays are now Insult-the-Pointy-Haired-Boss Day!
    

Cutting Expenses and Work Hours

1. The company isn't going to provide our coffee any more. From now on, we're all to contribute $2 per week. I'm in charge of collecting.
2. The company is saving money by installing dehydrated water coolers.
3. To cut expenses, all employees are now required to bring their own toilet paper.
4. To contain expenses, bartering is now being considered as an alternative to salary payments.
5. Pencil shavings from pencil sharpeners must be saved so that accounting can control office supply costs. Collection will be quarterly. Separate shavings by pencil color.
6. As a cost cutting measure, employees will be given random, unpaid days off.
7. Your access badge entry log will be used to calculate hours worked.
8. We recently added a time code for lunch and bathroom breaks. This code will be summarized quarterly, and any time from your estimated usage will be put toward your vacation time. This WILL be used in the yearly performance review.
9. From now on, we have to keep our time sheets in ten-minute increments.
10. Shorter work hours, don't bother showing up until 10:00 am. If any one says anything, they probably have not yet read the memo.
11. Any overtime must be submitted thirty days in advance and must by approved
12. In order to justify the cost of artificial light in the building, the standard work day is being extended from 9:00am - 5:00pm to 4:30am - 10:00pm.
13. You have to bring all your own office supplies from home.
14. The company is going to downsize using the lottery method. We all get numbers and they'll draw two numbers at lunch on Fridays for the next three months. If your number comes up, you're on the street by 2pm.
15. Due to long absences from work, there will be no more off-site lunches. Incidentally, the refrigerator is broken.
16. New Vacation Policy: the amount of overtime you work determines amount of vacation days. No overtime, no vacation.
17. Double overtime for work done at home
18. Excused absences for bad hair days.
19. You must arrive by 5:00am sharp. Anyone recorded late will be fired.
20. To cut expenses, all employees are required to share paper towels with co-workers during lunch.
    

Security and Employee Testing

1. Weekly body armor testing.
2. Random strip and body cavity searches by peers (to "avoid harassment by management"), videotaped (for "everyone's protection")
3. Random breathalyzers at 2:00pm everyday.
4. Random electroshock therapy based on Social Security Number. This will be adminstered automatically through your office chairs.
5. Sensors have been installed in the ceiling that will keep track of where everybody is by sensing their ID cards.
6. New work at home program. You don't even need to apply for it, you can just start doing it.
7. All current positions and employees will be re-ranked after investigation by Ken Starr.
8. Retinal Scans are required for door entries.
   

New Employees

1. Prostate exams are required for all new hires.
2. The employee with the least seniority has to go on beer runs at lunch.
3. Only hiring people who can play the funeral march on the bagpipes.
   

Compensation, Vacation Time, and Other Benefits

1. Wages for all employees in non-essential classes would be frozen. Money saved will be used to increase salaries in IS and Engineering.
2. Vacation Vesting Policy — If you leave before your 5 years of service you are required to payback all used vacation, personal and sick days.
3. No vacation days can be scheduled for Thursdays because of the weekly staff meeting.
4. Henceforth we will be paid bi-annually, your next check will be here in six months.
5. The administration will be implementing IQ testing for all employees and adjusting salaries to match.
6. Weeks of forced overtime followed by 1 week of forced vacation, which comes out of your time bank.
7. If you work a lot of overtime, you will be promoted.
8. PMS leave.
9. It´s company policy that employees who smoke will never get a raise, since that could promote an early death and we care about our employees.
10. If you work over the holiday season, you can carry over your vacation to the next year
11. Pay raises are going to be tied to your boss's performance.
12. Salaries will be determined based on ranking in the LOTD.
13. The new "domestic partners" benefits coverage policy means that you only get family coverage if you're NOT married to your partner.
14. Your pay can only be deposited to your platinum MasterCard. If you don't qualify for a card, then you don't get paid.
15. You must take your paycheck to the boss so he can sign it
16. We are implementing a quality care service in which every person will get a bonus of at least a thousand dollars every three months.
17. You no longer have to clock out for lunch
18. Mandatory enemas to prevent the constipated look on employees faces when the Christmas bonuses are cut.
19. Management Month Long Vacations. No calling in will be permitted.
20. Promotions will only be given to the ones who bow extra low before the marketing department.
    

Employee Health

1. As part of the new fitness program, employees must park at least 1/2 mile from the building .
2. Employees must show up at 6AM for corporate physical training.
3. As part of our new fitness program, everyone must be able to bench press 250 pounds by the end of the year to receive the yearly bonus
4. Once a month check for lice and open sores.
5. Mandatory monthly psychiatric evaluations to identify employees stable enough to be terminated.
6. The new immunization policy. Every week they must get immunization shots, some of them from big thick needles, that must be administered in the buttocks.
7. Not only do we have to provide urine samples for drug testing, we have to provide stool samples too.
8. The New Health Plan EXCLUDES physicians who think that, "Do no harm," means "Do Nothing"!
   

Dress Code

1. Since the company is merging with a company in Texas, employees must dress like cowboys.
2. Dress code: suit and tie are back in
3. Because the EEOC has ruled that men and women must have the same dress code, from now on all employees must wear navy, brown or black suits consisting of a white shirt, tie, jacket, skirt and low-heeled pumps.
4. The New dress code is to wear shiny pants, floppy shoes, red nose, and a little squirting flower.
5. Underwear not permitted on the premises.
6. Ties must be ironed while wearing them; otherwise, they just don't look spiffy enough.
   

Other

1. Tell half of your co-workers that they are required to leave urine samples in Dixie cups on a designated table in the cafeteria. Tell the other co-workers that the company is going to be giving out free apple juice in Dixie cups in the cafeteria.
2. HR found out that, for Equal Opportunity, if they want to keep doing the Wet T-shirt Contest, they have to do a Wet Boxer Shorts contest also.
3. You need to submit an Overnight Delivery Request Form, and it will take a couple of days to get it approved
4. Any personal achievement, such as having a baby, birthday, getting a new car, house, vacation, requires that the person bring donuts for the whole company to help celebrate.
5. Ban on microwave popcorn
6. Our new slogan is, "We're all members of the Fast Action Response Team!" The acronym will appear on mugs, bumper stickers, etc.. These should be displayed at all times.
7. All paper napkins which looked unused and left on the tables in the cafeteria will be saved.
8. The General Manager has mandated that all complaints, large and small, be emailed directly to him
9. Parking permits for the parking lot will now cost $10 per month.
10. As part of our new Employee Empowerment Program, all employees will ignore their boss no matter what the boss threatens.
11. All peons must shave their heads daily.
12. Mandatory celibacy
13. Daily Status Reports on why your Daily Status Reports are late.
14. As part of the new Employee Empowerment Program, employees are now encouraged to tell their boss what you think about their work.
15. All engineers must mentor a new MBA to do their jobs once the engineers retire.
16. Whispering Only. Shhhhhhh, quiet zone.
17. Open an secret account at the bank. Tell co-workers that the company has a special account for employees where they can earn 15% monthly interest, and give them the account number. Watch the money start to flow!
18. Mandatory random strip searches
19. Smoking now allowed in client conference room and front lobby.
20. Mandatory Staff Meetings, Monday morning, 7 A.M.
21. Mandatory Office supply cataloging for tax assessment
22. Our new discipline system will make your work harder, longer, and you'll on an up-side get paid less. At first you might feel a little sore from the torture and branding, but . . .
23. If you break wind, you have to report it on the new Flatulence Incident form, describing why you had to, and what you did to make the smell go away. Then you have to put it in the VP's mailbox.
24. The Blink-a-Bye program. Anyone who blinks is fired.
25. In order to improve your patience in a meeting environment; you must hand transcribe three editions of Nightline, in red ink on red paper, in Mandarin Chinese!