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Fish Story

I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray. It was overheating, so I drove into a Shell station to get it fixed. While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar — a real dive, but I knew the owner. He used to play for the Dolphins. I said, “HI, GILL!” (You have to shout. He’s hard of herring.)

Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured the usual: a Rusty Snail, hold the grunion, shaken and not stirred — with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped him the fin — on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry’s squids just for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsel. What sole! Tommy was rockin’ the place with a very popular tuna, Salmon Chanted Evening, and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute little yellowtail. She’s giving me the eye, so I figure this is my chance for a little fun. You know — piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn’t fathom. She was too deep — seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink! She drank like a … well, she drank a lot. I said, “What’s your sign?” She said, “Aquarium.” I said, “Great! Lets get tanked!”

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, “Come on, baby, it’ll only take a few minnows.” She threw that same old line: “Not tonight. I got a haddock.” And she wasn’t kidding, either, because in came the biggest, meanest-looking haddock I’d ever seen come down the pike. He came over to me and said, “Listen, shrimp, don’t you come trolling around here.” What a crab! This crab was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, “Abalone! Your just being shellfish.” Well I knew there was going to be trouble — and so did Gill, because he was already on the phone to the cods.

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, “Forget the cods, Gill. This guy’s going to need a sturgeon.”

Well the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and said, “Hey, big boy. You’re really a game fish. What’s your name?” I said, “Marlin.” Well from then on, we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I even bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went home with her. And what did I get for my trouble? A case of the clams.