The Humor of Steven Wright

• I broke a mirror my house. I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I like to skate on the other side of the ice. I like to reminise with people I don’t know. I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on, and act like I’m a submarine that’s been hit. When I get really bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
• I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn’t doing what I was doing.
• Once I was walking through the woods when I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
• Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.
• Recently I was walking my dog around my building on the ledge. Some people are afraid if heights; I’m afraid of widths.
• I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
• A while ago I had no electricity in my house. I had no lights, so I couldn’t see what I was doing. Good thing my camera has a flash. When I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, I took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police, because they thought there was lighting in my house.
• Smile for a satellite picture
• Recently I bought a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I decided to put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• I got pulled over for speeding. The cop said, “Don’t you know you were going 70 miles per hour?” I told him I wasn’t going to be out that long.
• I played poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• I wanted to learn Spanish, so I got one of these records you listen to in your sleep. In the middle of the night, the record skipped, so now I can only stutter in Spanish.
• I got some flip-ups — on my contact lenses