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Bart Simpson's Chalkboard

Modified on 2008/11/02 16:25 by Administrator Categorized as Humor
At the beginning of every episode of The Simpsons, Bart is seen writing a sentence repeatedly on the chalkboard. Here's a list of some of them.

  • "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
  • "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
  • "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
  • A burp is not an answer.
  • Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
  • All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy (This was not written "line by line" like the others)
  • Beans are neither fruit nor musical
  • Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)
  • Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
  • Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
  • Funny noises are not funny
  • Garlic gum is not funny
  • Goldfish don't bounce
  • Hamsters cannot fly
  • High explosives and school don't mix
  • I am not a 32 year old woman (To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy)
  • I am not a dentist
  • I am not a lean, mean, spitting machine
  • I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
  • I am not certified to remove asbestos
  • I am not deliciously saucy.
  • I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis, Jr.
  • I did not see Elvis
  • I do not have diplomatic immunity
  • I do not have power of attorney over first graders
  • I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
  • I will finish what I sta (This appears on one line; the rest is blank)
  • I will never win an Emmy (This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the show has won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past)
  • I will not aim for the head.
  • I will not barf unless I'm sick (Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode: she has to clap erasers)
  • I will not belch the National Anthem.
  • I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
  • I will not bring sheep to class.
  • I will not burp in class.
  • I will not bury the new kid (During the episode, Marge wrote "I will try to raise a better child")
  • I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
  • I will not call the principal "spud head".
  • I will not carve gods.
  • I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (This was first used for the 100th new episode)
  • I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
  • I will not conduct my own fire drills.
  • I will not cut corners (It actually looks like this: I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS/" " " " " "/" " " " " ")
  • I will not defame New Orleans (New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!")
  • I will not dissect things unless instructed
  • I will not do anything bad ever again.
  • I will not do that thing with my tongue.
  • I will not draw naked ladies in class.
  • I will not drive the principal's car.
  • I will not eat things for money.
  • I will not encourage others to fly.
  • I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
  • I will not fake my way through life.
  • I will not fake seizures.
  • I will not get very far with this attitude.
  • I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
  • I will not grease the monkey bars.
  • I will not hang donuts on my person
  • I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
  • I will not instigate revolution.
  • I will not make flatulent noises in class
  • I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
  • I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
  • I will not prescribe medication.
  • I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
  • I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
  • I will not sell land in Florida.
  • I will not sell miracle cures.
  • I will not sell school property.
  • I will not send lard through the mail
  • I will not show off (This was written in an "Olde English"-style font)
  • I will not skateboard in the halls.
  • I will not sleep through my education.
  • I will not snap bras.
  • I will not spank others.
  • I will not squeak chalk (Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this)
  • I will not strut around like I own the place
  • I will not teach others to fly.
  • I will not torment the emotionally frail.
  • I will not trade pants with others.
  • I will not use abbrev.
  • I will not waste chalk.
  • I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
  • I will not Xerox my butt.
  • I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
  • I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
  • I will remember to take my medication
  • I will return the seeing-eye dog.
  • I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
  • Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
  • It's potato, not potatoe (This was used for the second airing, a reference to Dan Quayle's gaff while visiting a school)
  • Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
  • My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man (A reference to "The Fugitive")
  • My name is not Dr. Death.
  • Nerve gas is not a toy
  • Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
  • No one is interested in my underpants.
  • No one wants to hear my armpits
  • Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
  • Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
  • Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
  • Spitwads are not free speech.
  • Tar is not a plaything.
  • Teacher is not a leper.
  • The boys room is not a water park
  • The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
  • The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
  • The First Amendment does not cover burping
  • The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
  • The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
  • The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
  • There are plenty of businesses like show business.
  • They are laughing at me, not with me.
  • This punishment is not boring and pointless.
  • Underwear should be worn on the inside.
  • Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things

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